Death changes Life. It alters and disrupts the only thing that gives its existence meaning, life. Death will have no meaning if life is not valued. For if we think that living is a chore then death would be our easy escape. However for those who do not die, death causes the most harm. Death causes pain for those who are left behind.
Like it did to me. My life was not the same after my grandfather’s death. It was changed forever and it was so tainted with pain that the original colors did not even show anymore.
After I was over my initial grief, I picked up the paper on my writing desk. The paper my grandfather had given me on his death bed was lying on the writing desk he got me 5 years ago.
The sight of that paper reminded me of his last words and they brought tears to my eyes.
‘Never give up,dear ; never give up !’
I looked at the address through my teary eyes and realized it was of someplace I didn’t recognize. Some place that I doubt was even in this world.I could tell you where my house was but that is the best I can do with places. Maybe even the directions to my favorite library but beyond that I was clueless .
So without thinking too much about where the place was I wrote the first letter to that address without realizing I was grasping on anything that could get me closer to my grandfather, without thinking rationally I wrote that letter, the one I am sure you have framed somewhere but well that again is a guess.
I know this is silly. I know you may never get this. I don’t even know if this address is real but I can’t stop myself from writing yet another letter to you. Writing letters to you was more than just a passion for me, it was my life grandpa. I know you told me to be brave but I can’t see any light of hope anymore. I need you.I need you to guide me like you always do…..did.
Please come back.
I still don’t understand a word of what you told me before you left. Is this another of your mystery games? Are you trying to annoy me again by not telling me what it means? I need your help to solve this one too.
If you really wanted me to figure it out you would have told me because I am sure you know how much I hate mysteries. You promised me you will help me solve everything, always. You did. Now you have to come back and help me.
I know I sound like a little angry child right now but that is because I am . I am angry and I am and always will be your child. Please come back grandfather. I can’t even express in words how much it would mean to me if you just came back. Please …..
On a serious note ,if this is actually is a place and you are a random stranger reading my very personal thoughts I would like you to burn this letter and never talk about it again but then again I have no way of knowing that so I will try not to think about it and you can do whatever you want .
Astonishingly I got a reply. It hadn’t even been fifteen days since I sent it .I was shocked . I couldn’t believe that somewhere in this world there existed an Infinity street. I couldn’t believe my eyes and this entire thing.
How is this even possible? Does this mean Grandpa is alive !!
I opened it just as soon as I was in my room.
I am glad you decided to honor my request. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you wrote a letter to me even though any sane human being wouldn’t have. Well there are somethings that I know you don’t understand yet and you are struggling with moving on but I know you are brave and you can do it !
I will try to help you as much as I can but forgive me if I am not able to. You see I have a plan like I always do and there are some things that I need to tell you before I say goodbye.
I always have and always will be by your side, even if you can’t see me I am there, right there by your side always.
My dear don’t ever make the mistake of feeling that this world has no hope or light because then a darkness like no other will get the power to surround you. Never think about the things you don’t want. Think about the ones that you do and they will be yours. Just believe angel. Believe.
I am not ready to say goodbye to you just yet, darling .
Love always ,
They say grief changes you, it alters your life and perception. Extreme pain forces our mind to make up things, anything that makes us feel better. As I read that letter, all I could think of was its questionable reality and my questionable sanity …but then that is exactly the kind of thing grandpa would say. I couldn’t stop myself from questioning my sanity. All the pain and grief welled up inside me came together to ask this one life changing question. “Is this real ? Is my grandfather still alive ?”
I know somewhere deep down I knew the answers to those questions but my heart was pushing me to ignore all rational thoughts. It pushed me to be happy. It pushed me to believe.
So I did. I believed that it was real and that my grandfather had received my letter and replied to it somehow. I don’t know why but I did and because of it I smiled.For the first time in months I smiled and felt the light of hope coming back to me. I felt as though the pieces of my shattered life were coming back together with a new understanding and a clear way ahead.
I got up from my huge four poster bed and opened the curtains to all the windows in my room, as the morning sunlight filled up my room, I felt the veil of darkness on my life, lift up.
I know that thinking what I thought and doing what I did was crazy, really crazy but I did it anyway.I walked up to my antique and precious writing desk, took out some paper and wrote another letter.
Is this real ? Am I actually writing a letter to you ? I can’t believe it. There is a sliver of a chance that this is actually true and that makes me smile. This little ray of hope that maybe just maybe I can still write to you makes me happy it truly does.
But there is still a big part of me that can’t quite accept it !! Maybe I am going crazy because of the grief of losing you maybe I am imagining this to protect me ….to protect me from the reality of life, like you always did .
If that is the case then I have to end this before it begins. I have to train myself to be stronger than what I’ve been and I have to accept that this life is not always sunshine ….there has to be a dark night for the sun to reappear and be valued. I will accept this night and end this facade before I go crazy ……
I won’t write again ……if you aren’t actually real, I won’t write again because if I have to say goodbye, it has to be now.
If I don’t say goodbye now grandpa, I won’t be able to …..ever.
So I am sorry and Goodbye ……. I have to become Katherine because the shielded Katie can’t face the world without you!! SO this is goodbye from Katie grandpa …..this is it !
I wrote the letter and thought ‘Why am I doing this ?’ ‘Why can’t I just believe its real?’ Why ?Why ? why ? …..then after ten minutes or more of cursing myself I realized that I am not doing this because I don’t believe in magic or miracles instead I wrote that letter to accept the painful truth that with my grandfather …that little Katie in me died too . The little Katie who believed that magic is real , who believed that she could fly , who believed that miracles happen , who believed that she would live with her Grandpa forever. Sometimes when a piece of you life fades away instead of looking at what was added to your life, you keeping looking at the empty place hoping that just by staring at the hole you can make it go away but you can’t because it was important , it happened but there is nothing really that you can do now. It takes ages and ages to accept this and it took me many years too! many years to believe in magic again, to believe in miracles again, to bring back to life the Katie I lost.
Now when I look back I realize that without you, Katie would not be alive and happy. Without you I would not have been alive and happy.
It was 15 days since i sent that letter but still there was no reply . Sitting in my grandfather’s study I read and reread that letter. This study was where he spent most of his time and so it was the place where I spent most of my time too. I really liked this place and so I kept it just the way grandpa had left it . I still spent most of my time there. Its walls were lined with Bookshelves that went up to the roof, on one side there was an entire wall of glass and from there the entire estate was visible. In the center of the study was a huge table and a chair, this was where he worked and that was where I sat.
That day while I was reading the letter again I was going over everything that had happened in the days leading up to my grandfather’s death, I was thinking about everything he had said. I was trying to find something, anything that could make sense of everything that had happened and then the letter came.
The first letter that someone other than my grandfather had written to me. It was a letter that looked like any other but it was the letter that changed my life.